Tuesday, September 30, 2014

And the Army....

The ceremony is complete, the retirement dinners all have been attended.
The officiant said over the microphone, my father's full name followed by the echoing

RETIRED

eery, but also relieving.


The folded flag has been placed in my dad's hands, followed by handshakes and well wishes.
And gratitude.
He hasn't put on a uniform in weeks.

It has already felt final.
I mean I've seen my dad for several weeks in a row? Weird. No early morning PT runs (oh wait, he still does that) He hasn't bolted off in full uniform to run off somewhere, I say somewhere because I never really knew where "OPSEC" (Operations Security).

So.. it's felt final. But on paper, it wasn't. My dad had leave saved up, a lot of leave saved up because he doesn't take days off. Tomorrow that leave is all used up.



Tomorrow is the day that my father officially becomes a retiree. The paperwork official date is tomorrow. 
The feeling is indescribable.
Does hollow but proud make any sense?
I'm going to disregard how he feels about it, I cannot go there. I haven't ever known my dad without the Army.
But me? How do I feel about it?

I'm in denial.


I'm already anticipating my wedding day, it's an excuse for my dad to wear his uniform. Which is how I'll always remember him. I'm always going to believe the Army needs my dad.

I'm keeping this post short and sweet so I don't boo hoo.






Guys, I'd love to rewind and do it all again. That is even more validation, Army.. I'm not through with you yet.


March along, sing our song, with the Army of the free.
Count the brave, count the true, who have fought to victory.
We're the Army and proud of our name!
We're the Army and we proudly proclaim:

First to fight for the right,
And to build the Nation's might,
And the Army Goes Rolling Along.
Proud of all we have done,
Fighting till the battle's won,
And the Army Goes Rolling Along.

Then it's Hi! Hi! Hey!
The Army's on it's way.
Count off the cadence loud and strong;
For where'er we go,
You will always know



That the Army goes rolling along......

Monday, September 29, 2014

Poetic

I am a Military Brat

" My hometown is nowhere, my friends are everywhere. I grew up with the knowledge that home is where the heart is and the family...
Mobility is my way of life. Some would wonder about roots, yet they are as deep and strong as the mighty oak. I sink them quickly, absorbing all an area offers and hopefully, giving enrichment in return.
Travel has taught me to be open. Shaking hands with the universe, I find brotherhood in all men. Farewells are never easy.Yet, even in sorrow comes strength and ability to face tomorrow with anticipation...if when we leave one place, I feel that half my world is left behind. I also know that the other half is waiting to be met.
Friendships are formed in hours and kept for decades. I will never grow up with someone, but I will mature with many. Be it inevitable that paths part, there is constant hope that they will meet again.
Love of country, respect and pride fill my being when Old Glory passes in review. When I stand to honor that flag, so also do I stand in honor of all soldiers, and most especially, to the parents whose life created mine. Because of this, I have shared in the rich heritage of Military life."

Author Unknown



I find this beautiful. It's as moving as a priceless painting.
Every line of this, reminds me of a story I could tell. That is something I appreciate, because everytime I remember a place, person, or experience, I feel like I'm winning. Or better yet, I feel like I'm doing the Army justice. It becomes difficult to keep things straight, there's always new information flowing into my brain, when I reflect on the past, it feels worth it. Comes full circle for me. I love this poem for jogging my memory every time I read it.

My favorite line is "Yet, even in sorrow comes strength and ability to face tomorrow with anticipation", I firmly believe in finding the good in a situation. That simple concept helps me face my trials, it helps remind me to live positively. I love Andy Worhol's quote, "You have to be willing to be happy about nothing", as bad as the news gets, the possibility of more war, messy politics, remind yourself to reflect on the good even if it seems trivial compared to those complicated topics^.

Secondly, I love the part that mentions establishing roots and when the author says, "absorbing all an area offers, and hopefully, giving enrichment in return." Made me nostalgic for Italia today.


Arreviderci!

Sunday, September 28, 2014

"Well she was an American girl..."

Here's some validity.
I should write legitimacy but I cannot stand when people say legit.
So no, my vocabulary ditches that word at all costs. Lemme just tell, I'm the real deal ya'll.

Two Preschools
Three Elementary Schools
Two Middle Schools
FIVE High Schools

And two universities because I just don't know how to stay put.
The five up there wasn't a typo, swear. Five High Schools in four years.
In case someone somewhere thought I was one of those two move military brats. It's hard for me to believe they exist, but they do. I'm not one of them. I wouldn't even know what that would be like. I'm saying this partly because I want everyone to know that the military has chewed me up and spit me out alittle. It does that to all of us.

BUT, thanks for the chewing and spitting. I would never want to imagine my life any other way, or without any of those moves. I needed the lessons, I needed the bravery.

I'm also bringing this all up because I want people to know more about me, and because I helped my sister move last weekend. It was like my brain was replaying ghosts of past moves. Ironically relevant considering October is upon us, a move is a guaranteed way to spook me. Moving was on my brain this week, I figured now would be a good time to say, " I've moved, a lot."

So for this post, the facts are..
A) I've moved a crap ton, I'm basically an expert military brat. Which is something they give you an actual award for. See!







(another way to exhibit some validity, and also let me show off my certificate that I'm tons fond of, anxious to hang this certificate on my wall like a proud kindergartener) My dad frames photographs and certificates, diplomas too, if you ask nicely. I'm looking forward to having him frame this to hang proudly in my home.

B) My sister moved last weekend, I can pretend I'm pro mover, capable of removing the bitter sting of being left (since this ain't my first rodeo)..but no. Moving is suck and I miss her already. Doesn't get easier, ugh.. but (siiiiiiigh) I guesssss I'm estatically pumped for her. ( see that positive note I ended with, that there is the military curse.... push on and do it with a grin )




To wrap this up, I proved my military-ness in this post and I whined some.

Anybody else a Texas-Alaska-North Carolina-New Mexico-Florida-Italy-Utah- IAN?
Or anybody else got me beat in the multiple schools attended? If so, I want to buy you a diamond house. There's not a word to explain how rough it is. Even one move, for anyonnne, warrants a billion trophies in my eyes.




Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Feedback

Lemme explain.
I wanna believe in self worth, confidence, high self esteem and all that jazz. But, in reality, I'm nothing without the people in my life. My inspiration and driving force is largely because of the wonderful, and not so wonderful folks I interact/ed with. So that brings me back to feedback, a large part of this blog is based on what I'm getting behind the scenes. Emails ya'll. And texts, and smiles, and encouragement (the ladder 'cause sometimes they can tell I really do need it, I'm human- sue me). No, but really I wanna thank the kindest lady who came up to me and told me how excited she was about this blog, and then explained her reasoning. I just kind of stared. I stumbled out a thank you..

I wanted to hug her.
I had been asked some questions about this blog that I wasn't prepared for, still I'm not. She gave me positive reinforcement that I didn't acknowledge properly.

THANK YOU. 


So then I decided that I was just a little too eager to post my previous post, and I didn't talk about the friend who sent the email enough. My DCM (initials cause even if the writer swore I could post, I wasn't ready to divulge the identity of the emailer) Okay, okay, have ya'll guessed? It's a female.
So lemme just throw out a bit more lovin's for that pep talk cheerleader.....


when has she not been my pep talk cheerleader..?


DCM
was my pal before a lot of people at my new school warmed up to me. She listened automatically on day two, when I spilled my guts about the girl who had tried to pummel me on day one (original right, pick on the new girl) She planted herself by my side instantly, always making it clear that she would have my back. It was an inner-city school, I needed someone to have my back. DCM always tugged on my ponytail during class. When we had english assignments due, she would create me a rubric and a calendar, and always volunteered to tape things for me ( I have a tape/sticker OCD that grosses me out huge). When one of our other friends had a birthday, she would go all out for them and then also bring me a small present so I wouldn't feel left out. One of my favorite things about her..


her whale song! ( don't ask, sometimes the goofy lighthearted stuff was just what the doc ordered)


..my real favorite thing about her.. hold your britches ya'll cause it's on the narcissistic side..

She noticed that I chew gum with my front teeth.
What? Okay, what did I just say?
Yeah, instead of chewing with my back molars I like to chew it with my front guys. How on earth did she notice this? She was right though. It wasn't like she was saying, " Hey b, cute pants..", that's a different kind of notice. She recognized one of my quirky habits, she had paid attention. And I hate to say it but when your dad is gone, and your mom is doing her best, having someone notice and point something out about you, it's special. Or it can be. For me, it was special. When you're a military kid sometimes it's hard to imagine friends investing time in you, and even worse you try and prevent investing in others. You start to think that'll make leaving easier. You learn, nothing makes leaving easier. You ditch the idea of surface level friendships and try and build something that lasts.

Once she had told me that little fact, I knew she was special. I knew the Army had done me right.
This isn't even close to highlighting her good and virtuous heart, I could write a library about her benevolence, but I hope you understand what I mean. A friend can go a long way. Has anyone else had a friend that did more than their fair share of friending?  Do you remember when someone just ultimate treated you like a queen, or a unicorn or something super rare? Tell me.





Bear with me, it's a cell phone quality photo from early two thousand. But here is DCM and I ( the end two on the right) in all our teenage awkwardness. Thanks for the email DCM, but thanks truly for always being a quality friend.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

D.C.M

The people along the way.
The unsung heroes who have held my hand step by step.
I struggled for a bit on whether or not I wanted to do this. I even counseled one of my professors, which may have resulted in tears. (like at least 1o seconds worth) AH. He asked why, why....WHY. I kind of got weepy, and I just thought. It's not a secret that I'm intimidated by this endeavor, it's hugely personal. But it's more than personal, its a passion. I think it's important to share your passions, that's how they grow best (in my opinion).

It's for me, and the you, and the us..for the we. I may want to unload these feelings selfishly, but unselfishly as well.  It's not just about me or my dad or my momma, its about the whole armload, truckload, and mountain load of people that were a part of this, who ARE a part of this ( this being the whole scope of military and every piece it reaches and touches). It's about the friend in my brand new school that sat behind me in health class and smiled at me every single day that my dad was gone. Without fail.

That friend, with the warm smile...she emailed me this week. She gave me permission to share the email. The personal, touching email that I cherished after reading the first sentence.



"Well, it's 11 pm on a warm September Tuesday and I've found myself reminiscing over happy times I've had in my life. God knows I've had a lot, I've been blessed with a lot, I've been given countless do-overs and opportunities for growth. But there is one thing that I am beyond grateful for. And that my dear is you. When mama told me that we were moving to Canada I was piping mad and sad and pretty defeated. But I tried to keep in mind that someone I really cared about moved all the time, and she did it with a smile on her face and so maybe I could too. And I knew it was going to suck for a while and it sure did, but I got through. I always tried to look to you, look at how you moved around constantly and kept that head high. You've been a role model to me B, and I hope you know it. I'm not sure I believe in soulmates or destiny or fate, but what I do believe in, is 'meant to be'. I believe that my mama was meant to be my mama so that she could learn patience with the brat firecracker that I am. And I believe that I was meant to be her daughter so that I could learn kindness beyond compare and humility in all that I do. Maybe my dad being a jerk is here to teach me that people disappoint but it is important to just-keep-going. I also believe that certain people come into your life and that relationship you hold with them, is meant to be. I'm happy we got to meet in 7th grade. It's funny, it's not like you ever know when you meet someone what your friendship will be like in 10/20/30 years. But I'm very happy to say that after ten years, I still hold you in the highest regards. I know I've said it before and I'll say it again; I admire the relationships you have with your family. Back in the Wilson days, I remember thinking that you were the luckiest girl to have a mother who put you all 1st, all the time. That she was always there, always, to be your advocate in any and every situation. And looking back on that now, as a grade 7/8 young girl, it is pretty remarkable that I was able to make that ascertain. But that's how wonderfully obvious it was. Your mama loved(loves) you a lot a lot a lottttt. And that made(makes) me so happy. And now with the career I have working with foster kids, I appreciate seeing loving happy families all the more. Your quick wit and wise words never cease to put a smile on my face. But...Bottom line, you, YOU Bette Pauling humble me. And I can't say many people do. And that's sad. It's sad that maybe my heart is a little hardened. But the point is, who you are is greatness. It shines out of you. It's contagious. And I am really grateful for that, for you. Basically what I'm trying to say, is that I'm glad you're you and I'm me and I'm glad that for whatever reason, we had the wonderful opportunity to meet. love you today and always. "


Guys, it's not like I didn't believe in humility before( I did), but after this I was exploding with it. Heaping piles of humility were just surrounding me. I intend to carry that humility around with me. I need to, because I'm grateful. ...for this ^ and much more.




I'm still trying to explain this blog with perfect clarity, I don't know what it is. I just have hope of what it could be. And with people voicing things like this, I get steps and inches closer to that goal.

By the way I've been told that blog posts tend to stay in the 700 word margin, dangit and shoot. I'm gonna surpass that by a thousand every time. Whoops.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

"birth story"


Let me preface this blog post with an explanation. I wrote this the evening following my Dad's retirement lunch. It helped ease me into the changes I was fixin' to face, I had an outlet. I realized how badly I needed to express what I was feeling. I thought a chapter was ending, but I was wrong. I realized once I wrote this, that I had more to say. I imagine that my readers may have something to say as well, so say it. I have a space to throw these feelings and thoughts and I want you to throw yours back. (Also, do you guys like how it is titled birth story? Doesn't it seem like every lifestyle blog has one of those these days? Well here's my birth story..sortof. It's simple. I wrote this because I couldn't contain it anymore. I feel like these stories matter, the questions, the experiences, the memories..they matter.)


Sometimes I feel like I'm the Army's daughter, in addition to being my parent's little girl. I've learned about every bright light the Army will bring you and dark corner it'll push you in. The Army will never go easy on you. But it'll make you strong and brave and it'll give you the most precise understanding of teamwork.

My dad was born to be a soldier. My parents worked together tirelessly through the good times and bad times, strengthening each other and others along the way. They worked alongside one another testing their limits and always trying their best. Army is gonna tell you that your parents are your rock and your siblings are your world. But it's gonna give you other people too, they're all gonna teach you.

You'll discover the logic of policy and the brutality of paperwork. The army is gonna cause you to have flashbacks for eternity you'll see a face and swear you know them from somewhere, and chances are you might could. It'll change the way you cross the street and shake a hand. It'll also teach you to say things like, "no it never gets easier", and "yeah but goodbye isn't forever". 

Single parenting is not ideal but it's necessary and that's what has to happen when a parent needs to step up, they step up all the time. My dad will tell you he was gone a lot, he'll say it outloud, say it proud too and it won't hurt my feelings. I won't even say that it's not like he didn't want to be gone, because he did. I was just continually aware that he needed to be places. And my momma was always there, constantly picking up the slack and tripling her workload. 

You'll learn that dedication is powerful and honor is a choice. In the Army, people will compliment you sincerely and look you in the eye while they do, and you'll do the same. The good ones will. Be a good one. 

You'll know the elements intimately especially when you're expected to live through a furlough with no mercy regarding AC. I'll always be awestruck and weepy at airports and I won't even explain why. You might say or laugh at the term 'Merica cause it's trendy and cool but it'll make you cringe when you hear it referred to like that because it's the United States of America or America and I don't think I need to explain that further. It'll agressively strike a nerve when you hear it like that even if you don't admit it. It's just America.

You'll think a crossfitter lifting a heavy ass weight is nice but you'll be impressed and smile when you see a troop in BDU's carrying their duty sacks filled to the cap on a late June day in 80% humidity after traveling for 26 hours. You'll hear stories that you cannot shake, for instance your dad calling ahead to secure a sponsor and them saying, "we're expectin three of ya on the same day and I can't assign a sponsor cause I dunno where you're going, whichever one of you arrives here first; he's going to the most fucked up place in the desert". Your dad will arrive first. I don't know that my dad will ever forget to remove his cap when he walks indoors, it's his first instinct even if he's wearing his Kings Roping hat he reaches right up for it until he remembers that's it's not his uniform piece and places it back on his head. 

Someday you'll be in an assembly and the principal will say .. "Alright I'd like to recognize the students that will be PCS'ing this summer please stand". Half the gymnasium will stand, and "give yourself a round of applause and please represent OUR community well in your next endeavor .." That will rattle your core in a good way. Your phone will ring and you'll bolt out of alegebra when your teacher is mid sentence, your teacher will come screaming after you but you'll be running out the hall trying to get outside where there's better reception so you can hear your dad who's thousands of miles away in a desert. You'll get detention and you'll take it because that phone call was everything you needed. You'll also get a 51% on the homework assignment for that night because you didn't take notes. And you're not stupid for it. The army will make you decide if you wanna do your homework and the readings assigned that evening or if you want to spend the day doing nothing with your family cause your dad has been gone for too many days. 

Your friends will probably passionately tell you how negatively they feel about war and President Bush and guns and you'll sit there and tell them you're just waiting for peace the day that your dad gets to call and tell on an unsecure line in code from the desert what day he might be coming back. He's going to have you take your birthday and minus the the first number of our garage code from Pringle Way in Carolina and then minus seven and then plus the number of pets we've had and then add his very favorite number. All so that the opposing side won't find out the plans of his unit. Your head will hurt some but you'll laugh at yourself getting a piece of paper out tryin to work out the riddle. 

The army will teach you that there are some things that you don't talk about no matter how much praise or acclaim it might award you, most of your significant army life moments will remain quiet and private and very close to you. 

You'll be lucky if you get to experience the jump tower, a pen that can write for a mile, and you'll be luckiest if your bus sings/shouts and screams cadences on the way to school. 

Sharp reminded me how much civilians look up to the military how much they want to emulate the soldiers and heros of our land, especially when it comes to respecting one another. Army doesn't want you to hate another country, ever, it wants you to hate greed and hate hate; it wants you to choose right. You'll learn that kindness and truth are a powerful ally. You'll see ugly, recognize it well, and you'll speak up when you KNOW someone possesses it. Even when no one will listen to you but your family, you'll stand behind your judgment strong and no matter what you'll hope fervently that they change. 

The people you encounter don't work in a prestigious laboratory and they aren't the CEO of some major company but they are likely some of the most gifted unrecognized minds in this world. They probably also say things like we choosed that might could y'all right quick fixin' but I assure you they are point blank genius.

Army might let your teachers gawk at you with pity when you've moved once again in the middle of a semester, theyll sigh about you being way behind and they'll hate the extra work they'll choose defeat first. Army's gonna give you some mentors, some educational angels that'll glory at their opportunity to teach and help a fellow human being. Some of your teachers will want success for you so badly it'll consume them with service they'll exhaust themselves with the extra mile and believe in your dreams. 

Army changes your prayers too, you'll be special mentioning your folks (who aren't even your folks) nightly. Army's gonna humble you straight to your knees but also build your confidence tremendously, it'll toughen you up and protect you fierce. You'll spend a lot of time praying your guts out and log some serious hours crying. The Army is going to urge you to make the most out of everything and it'll dangle adventure in front of you and you'll have no choice but to be spontaneous and take it . You'll be glad you did. 

Coming across someone who will make you America/Italy cupcakes Carolina BBQ snowcones and an airplane care package (amidst the busiest summer of their life) will help you acknowledge that life's challenges and chances are completely worth it. At age twenty two, you might be shocked that you're dating a boy you met at age fourteen in a town you only lived in for ten short months. Does that even happen? 
You're never gonna forget the Vespa rides, the 30ft Jesus, the concentration camp, peanuts in a coke a cola, lovebugs, deer burgers, hot air balloons, green chile, the accents, the neighborhoods, and mozzarella di bufala ever. 
But don't forget the army is gonna break your heart over and over, it's inevitable and unavoidable. It'll tell you to live in a hotel for 3 months and fill your suitcase and keep your phone close and loud. 

Sacrifice will be a constant. You'll crap yourself when you hear the word son, no matter what. Sure the Army is respectable and classy but it's not a stranger to the f word, and I'll never see anything wrong with that. The Army has a lot of storms. Big ones. Heavy ones. Long ones. You'd shudder at ceremonies because these communities will say your full name with conviction, they do their best to make every person count. 
The Army isn't goin to teach you how to not shatter when you hear the pledge, the national anthem, revelry and retreat, nor will you be able breathe at a funeral. But the army will let love and family enthrall you, it will actually astound you with your own capacity for love. There might not be anything you love more than the uniform because it's a familiar symbol of safety..it's home, it's shelter, and when you don't have a home.. a simple pair of combat boots can start to look like your home. 

People's stories will become your own because that's how it is, you're gonna hear troops talking and you won't ever forget their voice or their haircut (cause they're all the same). You'll be at a significant event, a run to remember, and before it begins you'll hear some troops whisper "are we going to sing the national anthem this time" and another will say "I can't today I won't be able to I'm gonna listen quietly for my brothers I need some silence for this one I need to remember for minute" -you'll think the army and his pals in heaven should be proud of him and you'll be grateful to be in his presence. Your heart will race when you see a flag and it'll jump up and down everytime your dad comes through the door home for work because you'll always remember that some of your friends weren't that lucky. You'll know people that others will not have the opportunity to know anymore they'll be gone but not gone.

The concept of home is bewildering to you, the Army will drill into your mind that home is where the Army sends you, and the Army is your hometown. It'll tell you that so many times that you'll be dumbfounded when someone asks your where you're from. It'll tick you off when you tell someone that you're an Army kid and so everywhere is your home, you'll wanna laugh in their face when they say "uh okay but where are you from." Like all due respect and all but please shut up. Be all you can be and ARMYSTRONG are going too mean too much to you and a buddy poppy is a bar of gold. Army is some of America's best you can count on that. You're gonna move, you'll feel the tug of 'don't go' while also feeling the weight of your responsibilities in your new place. At the gym you won't find guys sweating hard to look sick wakeboardin', you'll find folks sweating hard cause they goin' to war. The look on their face is different by nine million trillion percent. They're slinging weights so they can carry the weight of their brothers. "00:01:35 We're going to war. We're going to war" - if you know anything about the 173rd, there's not a day that'll ever go by that you won't think about that quote. Affeas, exchange, shoppette, DFAC, beer store, PCS, TDY, JFC, support site, BX, PX, and NEX those are all goin to be as familiar as your last name. Army's gonna make ya believe in somethin' whether that be your brother, battle buddy, your spouse, the Lord, your country or yourself. (usually it's a combination of all of that) You're gonna believe. My dad says that getting out of the army is pure hell, it is because it doesn't ever happen. Lifer means lifer. I know I'm heaping a ton of credit towards the Army when most of this is a result of Christlike parents, I can never recognize them enough. And a whole chunk of this I learned from people full of the most good kind of love. But go army anyways. Cheers to my sweet American dream. Hooah y'all, Godspeed til we meet again.

hooah

I've had a relationship with the Army from moment zero, born on one of the largest military bases in the USA. I recognize that every bone in my body is Army, and I've never even enlisted. I didn't sign my life over to the Army, I just was. Everyday has been a give and take system, Army has me endure some roughage, and then propels me into something astounding. I'm the daughter of a retiree, and at that ceremony, me and the Army squared up, we said alright our contract has been met. But, that is a load of baloney, I still believe I owe something to the Army, and this is my way of coming through  for it cause in the end it came through for me. And still does.